FF: Incomplete Life .... Chapter 1-5

Chapter 1 [Written by Meena] 

Beep, beep, beep...nurse call Dr Robinson please hurry up...put the oxygen mask on her...get the xyz drugs immediately ..ordered Dr Deepa Mehta...frustrated, panicked Dr Mehta tried again to take the baby out using the especial medical spoons to take the baby's head out...

The beep continued and within seconds the entire labor suit was full of Dr's and nurses...5 Dr's at once stood around the only one lady who was fighting for her life...different Dr's did different tasks...Dr Mehta managed to successfully take out the baby using the spoon and her hands...finally the baby cry out loud enough that the entire labor ward heard...the nurse immediately took the baby from Dr Mehta...As the baby came out of his mother womb next followed was the pool of red blood...the blood came in a way as if Tsunami of blood erupted...Dr Mehta was in red pool of blood...but she didn't care or flinched a bit...still confidence she took hold of bunch of cotton wool and tried to stop the blood until Dr Robinson took over her...

The Dr's and nurses got busy tried everything to bring back the patient alive, to make her BP stable, to make her pulse normal and to make her breathing gentle...the nurses took the crying baby, quickly cleaning him with towel, cutting his umbilical cord...and covering him with another clean towel then handing him to Dr Walia who stood near the door like a statue, not even flinching a bit, he stood there lifeless, he looked as pale as cream...with his entire body as cold as ice...physically he was there but mentally he wasn't there...he witnessed everything that happened but couldn't dare to speak a word, it looked as if his mouth was zipped ..he couldn't bare seeing his beloved wife Ananya in that state...he died thousand deaths seeing her in that state...he couldn't even saw her a bit as there hundreds of nurses, Dr's were around her...he wanted to scream and say some thing but he couldn't...he couldn't open his mouth...

Mr Walia please hold your baby...nurse said

looking at the young lady in front of him...he new he heard her but couldn't make sense of the words she said...the nurse coxed him again pleas sir...with trembling hands he took the baby who was crying non stop in his shaking arms...not even once glancing at him...as his eyes were fixed on the Dr's in front of him...

Dr robinson: get 2000 ml saline...add xyz drugs...give to her now...hurry up will you said the old Dr to his colleagues ..then again trying to stop the bleeding that was coming out non stop...feeling frustrated with everything and the loud crying of the baby...he ordered the nurse...get him and the baby out of here...Now...

the nurse run to Dr walia...please she pleaded him...please you cant stay here ...please leave...on the other hand jai didn't heard a single word she said...the nurse pushed him out of the room and shut the door at his face...

TBC.... 






Chapter 2:

He watches the burning flames crackle against the wooden stick, glazing bright with warmth that his hollow form could not feel; his insides having turned ice cold. For long moments he makes no movement to take it from the outstretched hand that wordlessly urges him to take it. That is until he feels a sudden force place it into his cold hand from his lack of response. The flames blaze wildly as he looks to it with foreign eyes. An unexpected push from behind causes him to take a step forward and remove his gaze from the burning log in his hand. Unwillingly, his misty eyes land on the piled, stack of logs upholding a bundled body, waiting for it's fate...

I'm sorry Dr. Walia... 

A lump grows inside his throat as those chilling words come back to haunt him; those same very words that shook up his world. The wailing of a child disrupts his dazed state of mind. Reality starts to sweep inside him, making him aware of his surroundings---breaking him free from his unconscious state. His eyes travel around, taking in the crowd of people surrounded around him, dressed head to toe in plain white--- a taunting white. The child's wailing grows louder.

He finally takes note to the dark atmosphere lingering, the sound of sobs and tears, and soft words of grief. The crackling of the fire builds, deafening his ears to the noise...

She lost a lot of blood... We tried, but... 

"Beta..." a gentle, yet barely audible voice beckons for his attention. He does not turn, knowing fully aware who it is, and becomes stiff.  "You must..." she persists through shaking sobs. After moments of continued silence, her white hand comes forth and places it on top of his, tightening his grip onto the blazing stick firmly. And before he knew it, together they lower it onto the pyre and watch the wrath of the harsh flames consume the lifeless body, covered protectively in a white linen cloth. His eyes bore into the flames, containing a certain burning of his own in them.

I'm sorry, ... we could not save your wife... 

The crackling of the flames become too much for him to bare and he averts his pained gaze, looking above the pyre only to meet directly into a pair of honey brown eyes, filled with unshed tears. For a short moment their gazes remain locked till she lowers hers and slowly walks away...

He painfully shuts his eyes and remains rooted to his spot till the simmering of the fire signals to him that there is nothing more for him to wait... He too walks away.

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Three Months Later


Bani Dixit places the phone down onto its receiver dejectedly and sighs. Her friends have called again, wondering whether she has time to go out and join them on their outings. She politely refused, making up excuses in the process, and gently cut off on their persistence. She knew they were getting the hint they were wasting their time on her since their calls are less frequent than before; now they ask simply out of politeness. But she could care less.

She slumps down on the mattress and contemplates how drastically her world has changed. Where has the energetic, bubbly girl gone that couldn't bear sitting still or locked up at home, instead, always outdoors and enjoying the day to the fullest? She could hardly recognize herself anymore. Someone else has replaced her. Now all she does is sit at home and remain still with an emptiness creeping inside her each passing day. Her once colorful world has suddenly overshadowed with darkness, blinding and trapping her with no where to go. She can't see the light no matter how hard she tries. Darkness surrounds her all around.

Bani's gaze rises only to land on the picture frame resting on the table top of the nightstand nearby. Tears dwell quickly in her honey brown eyes as her heart wrenches from the image before her... Ananya Walia looking gorgeous with her short layered hair let loose, framing her oval face lovely, eyes shining bright, cheeks rosy red, and smiling with so much glee as she always did. Her sister's arms are wrapped firmly around the younger version of Bani, embracing her warmly, and resting her head along side hers. Their younger sister, Rano, had snapped the picture of them during the Winter on one of Ananya Di's visits back home. Ananya loved taking pictures, wanting to keep memories alive, and made tons of scrap books in her spare time. Though she, herself, always grumbled before the camera, hating her sister's love for it, but went along with it for her passion of the hobby.

Ananya was the oldest out of the Dixit girls; being senior to her by seven years and their younger sister, Rano, eleven. She was also the most beautiful, graceful, and charismatic out of them. Ananya was every parent's dream come true; a daughter who would give honor and respect to her family. Not that Rano and herself were any less. In fact, the Dixits were well known for their charming looks; good height, sharp features, beautiful hair... But Ananya somehow always stood out the most----perhaps due to her bubbling personality that attracted everyone to her like honey.. She was full of such innocence that it touched people's hearts. Since she was the oldest, she seemed to draw more attention, often overshadowing her and her younger sister.

Yes, she envied her sister with a passion, wanting to be like her in every possible way, secretly idolizing and adoring her. But never negatively. She didn't mind the attention her sister received, in fact, she was in awe with her herself. Ananya was a warm person that no one could dislike. She was always full with so much love and spreading it about as much as she could. She knew her sister loved her with all her heart, often spoiling her and Rano to bits in whatever fashion--much to their parents' disapproval.

Despite the age difference, Bani found herself closet to Ananya, finding a mentor, best friend, and another mother in her all in one. She shared her darkest secrets, her dreams, and crushes only with her. Ananya always had the right things to say in return and withheld the trust she kept in her by loyally keeping mum. Her sister never let her down in any regards, nor hurt her or anyone else for the matter... Then why did God have to be so cruel and take her away? Snatch her away from her loved ones, leaving them lost and devastated?

A sudden irritated crying from behind her startles her out of oblivion and brings her to reality. She wipes away her anguished tears and walks to the small crib in the center of the room finding the baby looking restless and agitated by something. Without another second of thought, she gathers him into her arms, holding him close against her bosom, and rocks him gently back and forth---trying to lull him back to his disrupted sleep. She hums softly while drying the remainder of her tears and shushes him in between.

"Mera chota sa munna... kyon rowrahi ho tum? Mausi hai, haina? Aab mera baby sonjao... Sonjao..." However, the small child gazes up at her with wide, unblinking eyes---showing no indication of drowsiness lingering in them. She heaves a sigh, knowing very well that he is wide awake now. Perhaps he wants his feeding. She leaves with him from the bedroom and to the kitchen to make him his formula...

On the way there she encounters the rest of her family, sitting quietly in the living room. Her mother, as usual, looks glum with no spark left in her once expressive eyes. She has been a living corpse the past months, dying a little inside every day. Her father's face remains grave, lines creased into his forehead, seeming tensed at all times. Rano, sweet little Rano, has gone quiet and remains lost in her own thoughts. They say that family comes together during times of grief, growing stronger and closer than ever before. But here the exact opposite has happened. She does not even remember the last time she had exchanged a proper amount of words with any members of her family. They remain distant from one another, grieving individually.

The crying from the baby is what breaks them all out of their brooding moods and draw their attention onto her standing there, watching them with careful eyes. Her father is the first to speak, clearing his throat roughly...

"So my grandson is awake," he states in a raspy voice, sounding as if has spoken after so long, and attempts a small smile but failing miserably. She nods her head. "Ji." Her father glances at her mother, who gazes at nothing in particular with blank eyes, before returning his attention back onto her.

"Bani, come, sit," he beckons. "... But he needs his formula," she manages to murmur in protest. "... Rano will make it. You come." Rano looks up on being acknowledged and silently proceeds over to the kitchen. Bani's slow steps fill the thick silence presiding in the room as she cautiously approaches and sits to herself in the lone sofa chair, holding the baby close. The silence stretches till Nishikant sits down himself, across from Bani and the baby, and folds his hands together.

Nishikant: ... Krishna Ji was just on the phone...

Bani perks up on hearing this. No news from the Walia house has reached them since the day of the funeral. They lost contact with the exception of Krishna Walia, Ananya's mother-in-law, calling now and then with huge gaps in between, mostly wishing to hear about the baby and nothing else. Bani licks her dry lips.

Bani: And? ... Jiju ki koi pata? (asking hopefully)

Nishikant: (growing grim) He is still out of town for some medical conference... perhaps a couple of days more.

Bani: But... he is still going to come... isn't he?

Nishikant: I am not sure...

Her hopes are dashed in a blink of an eye and a sudden rush of anger overcomes her. She jumps out of her seat and stares accusingly at her father.

Bani: (excitedly) What do you mean, Papa? How can you be unsure? ... For how long will we keep waiting for him to come? ... What kind of father is he? Dumping his newborn child here with us while he goes on with his life? I have never seen such a selfish man before in my life... (huffs)

Her father stands up from his seat as well, towering over her height...

Nishikant: (voice growing firm) Now Bani, do not get excited my child... You perfectly well know it is not like that... It is not as if your Jiju is there enjoying himself... He is still in mourning over our Ananya... It will take time... Understand...

Bani: (ignoring his reasoning) Papa, it has been more than three months now since Ananya Di's---- (not bringing herself to say it, avoiding it)... He cannot just leave his child here expecting us to handle and raise him while he is burden free... Yash is his responsibility... He is his son.

Nishikant: And is Yash nothing to us? Am I not his grandfather? Your mother his grandmother? You and Rano his mausis?

Bani averts her gaze from her father's demanding eyes, blinking away her forming tears. She calms down her previous hyper state.

Bani: I am not saying that... Of course Yash is our own... he is everything to us now... But that still does not cover up the fact that Jiju has responsibilities towards his son... the very son who he hasn't even taken the chance to look at ... (ends bitterly)

Nishikant calms down himself, stepping away from his stand, not wishing to indulge himself into an argument with his daughter. Not make her see reason when even he himself knows that whatever she is saying is right. But what are they to do? How are they to handle a situation that isn't in their hands to begin with?

He slumps down onto the couch with a defeated look worn on his grave face.

Nishikant: What do you wish for me to do, beta? How do I make you see reason when I myself am helpless in this matter... Your Jiju is not cooperating... He is drowning himself into his work and still grieving... keeping away from others... What can I do when he isn't willing to see anyone?

Bani looks down as Yash fiddles with her golden necklace tied securely around her neck, a necklace that she never took off since the day she got it. Ananya Di gifted it to her with a wide smile on her nineteenth birthday six months ago, telling her that she specially had it made for her baby sister. The tears flow from her eyes without her wanting to as she feels any last sign of hope leaving her... He is staying away as well, keeping to himself and disclosing himself from those who care...

In a chocked voice Bani hastily informs her father to tell Rano to bring the formula to her room as she will feed Yash there...wishing to be alone for some time.

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He sits directly in front the TV with captivated eyes, watching the moving images flashing before him with bursts of life that his hollow self did not seem to possess. His hand reaches out to touch the face of someone particular, her eyes blazing bright and glowing face smiling away... Her tinkling laughter rings and echoes within his ears, a tug in his heart causes his fingers to caress the screen as if he were touching her himself, feeling her smooth fair skin after so long...

"Jai, Jai, No! No, Jaaaiii!!!" she screams as water splashes onto her, soaking her from head to toe, and his rumbling laughter mocking her seconds later. "I am going to kill you, Jai Walia!" she announces loudly with determination, her eyes gleaming hard... Suddenly the clip ends abruptly and the video turns into a static gray, it's noise overfilling everything else...

He clunks his forehead against the television screen and shuts his eyes tight, his insides wrenching from despair... Hot tears escape his closed lids, falling fast on his pale cheeks... He lost her...having slipped from his hands... She is gone, never to be back...

The feel of arising sobs overtake him, but he withholds them. Instead he takes a swig from his drink laying on the floor beside him, downing the beverage all in one go, and throws it against the hard, cold marble floor---watching the shards of glass scatter about.

I'm sorry, but we couldn't save her...

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Chapter 3:

Six months..... six months have passed since her sister's death and still no normality has reached her family. Her mother remains in her shell, barely acknowledging the presence of others. Rano has increased her sentences, speaking to her with small words of comfort, but still remains lost most of the time. And her father walks around with lines permanently etched on his forehead, barely having enough rest in him.

And she? Well she too is suffering in a separate way. She is no different from her now estranged family. She speaks when she must, appears when she has to, but otherwise keeps alone with the baby as her only company.

She sighs heftily as she twists the top to the bottle after checking the milk's warmth. Yash is now no longer just her late sister's son and her nephew, but a son to her as well, her responsibility, her life. How has he grown during these past months and instilled his place into her heart. Her whole world now revolves around him, her thoughts on him, her sanity due to him.

Otherwise who knows what would have become of her without Yash as her support and stability---to keep her going throughout the day. He is the apple of her eye.

For six months she has behaved no less than a mother to him; feeding him, bathing him, cleaning him, lulling him, playing with him, nurturing him, but most importantly loving him with every being inside of her. She has done what every other mother would do with their child. But still she knows her status of being only his maternal aunt. She of course cannot take the place of Ananya in his life. That place is too sacred, too special, and impossible for her to take. Ananya will always be his mother no matter how much motherly love she spoils him with. Her place in his life is untouchable. But she can try to the best of her capabilities that he does not feel the absence of a mother in his life be it if she is only his mausi.

Bani enters her room to find her sister holding a gurgling Yash in her arms and pinching his cheeks fondly. She smiles faintly at the sight. Rano now makes sure to spend time with their nephew, spoiling him and playing with him endlessly---making herself active in his life as much as possible. But it was Bani in the end who took up the role of raising him effortlessly and naturally. Rano remained as a playmate and helped out time to time. Nishikant too attempts to connect with his grandson, spending at least an hour a day with his late daughter's son. His grandmother though did nothing but admire him silently time to time only to slip back into her cocoon and distance herself .....

"Di, dekho na.... humara bhanja kitana badmash hogaya hai...." Rano comments in between soft giggles while wrestling with his active hands. Bani joins them on the bed.

Bani: Hmm.... our Yash has a lot of energy in him. It is hard to keep him in control nowadays.... Here, hand him to me, let me feed him....

Rano places Yash into her lap and Bani extends the bottle to his mouth, which he eagerly sucks on whilst snuggling against his favorite aunt.... Bani gives him a sound kiss and a pat on the head.

Bani: My good boy....

Rano: Aacha Di, main chalti hoon... Do not want to be late for my exams....

Bani: Oh hain.... Good luck. Make sure you pass with flying colors. And take Mama and Papa's blessings before you go. Let me know how they go. (softly smiling)

Rano: Thanks Di, will do.

Bani watches Rano leave after giving a farewell kiss to Yash. She silently prays that Rano manages to concentrate well and pass her exams, hoping that the family stress doesn't distract her....

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He informs his driver to take the next turn, briefly stating a different route that will take him to his destination faster. He feels the car smoothly make the turn and switches his gaze back out of the window, stained with rolling raindrops from the graying of the weather brewing outside. He slumps his shoulders against the back of the car seats and drums his fingers against the arm rest, finding that he cannot sit absolutely still. He shifts a little in his seat.

The past six months went by like a blur to him. He can hardly remember how he spent all those months, those weeks, those days. He was not in an appropriate sense to take in anything that was happening around him. His mind was blank, his body numb, and his heart cold. He ran from one place to another, keeping himself on his feet, drowning himself in work with thoughts of making the pain go away... In the end he learned it only worsened it. Nothing could keep the pain away, not when the wound is so fresh, not when it feels that it was just yesterday that he lost her...

After returning from another conference in London, he fled to the sanctuary of his room, wanting and expecting to be left alone which had been respected for months since the incident, but only to have his mother cut short into his brooding self-misery. She was clearly worried, expressing concern of seeing him in the state he was, feeling that she hasn't just lost her daughter-in-law but her son as well. She disrupted his hectic scheduling, coaxing him to slow down, putting a halt to his getaways and keeping him right in place. His working schedule came to a slow and he hardly worked. During that time, during his time of loneliness with nothing to do, he was only left to face the harsh reality that he was trying to run away from to begin with.

But he has learned to cope with the loneliness now apart of his life, having accepted his fate. Ananya was a beautiful dream, but a dream is a dream, it does not last for too long.

On reaching this acceptance, he knew that he had to take up neglected responsibilities he ran from and bring some sort of stability back into his life. He didn't like this feeling of having no control, it made him feel lost and weak. And the first thing he knew was that he needed his son back, the only existing part of his late wife left in this world.... his and her's remaining symbol of their love..... Yes, he needs him and he is going to take him back....

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Bani felt stuffy remaining in the house, having the dire need to escape from the emptiness and silence surrounding her home. And she had an inkling that Yash felt the same with all his fussing. Hence she grabbed his stroller, strapped him in and paid a visit to the nearby park, wanting some air for both herself and her nephew. She sits down on the wooden bench and puts on the brake to the stroller so Yash does not roll off. She places him before her and enjoys the gentle breeze of the winds, the rustling of the trees, the sun shining bright, and the mirthful laughter of children running about.

It was nice to finally be outside the house, to be alone without any tension surrounding her everywhere she went. It's a nice change from the dark atmosphere that has engulfed her home, making it not a home but just a lone house. Six long months and the pain is still rare, still fresh. Will the pain ever go away? ---- Perhaps not, it will never completely go away. Ananya's absence will continue to haunt them.... The lacking of a daughter, sister, mother, and wife in all their lives......

She watches Yash's bright eyes taking in his surroundings, seeming amazed by all the other little children running in circles, screaming on top of their lungs, swinging high into the air, and sliding down into heaps of dirty mulch. She smiles softly at his intrigued expression. This is what he needs. He needs warmth and a positive environment around him at all times. She can't let him be trapped in the four walls of the bedroom any longer, surrounded by agony and sorrow.

Her smile grows as she unbuckles him from the stroller and lowers him onto the ground, holding onto his outstretched hands which grip onto her forefingers tightly. With her help he takes his small baby steps around the playground and looks excitedly at the energy bursting within it. He makes gurgling sounds, indicating his happiness, and Bani finds herself smiling delightfully after a long time---satisfied to know that she has made him happy.....

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As Bani walked back to her home whilst pushing Yash's stroller, she could already feel the emptiness creep inside of her. Her home was a horrible reminder of Ananya's death. It refused to let her forget. She checks her watch, seeing that it will soon be evening, after noting dusk beginning to settle in the sky. Her steps become slow, feeling no need to rush back into the darkness that has consumed the house and the members inside it.

She sees the view of her house become clear with every step she takes and feels her insides begin to sink. Even Yash was settling down, not babbling his cute little noises which he had been doing minutes before gleefully.

The sight of a black Mercedes parked alongside her house captures her instant attention and puzzles her. She muses over who could possibly be visiting them now. The initial months after the funeral they were paid a lot of visits from friends and family, passing on their condolences. But they would never be able to understand the loss that haunts them every single day of their lives until they experience it themselves.

It isn't till Bani approaches the driveway, directly passing the parked car, that realization strikes her and she knows who the vehicle belongs to. Abruptly she stops in her tracks, stunned beyond words, before pushing the stroller towards the porch and entering the house with hurried footsteps. She breathlessly barges into the living room, where she finds her parents and sister standing with uneasy expressions and the back of a tall figure, dressed in his regular black attire, standing before the burning fireplace with his hands folded behind his back. Hearing her approaching footsteps, they all turn around, including him. But Bani's eyes rest on only one person, who meets her stunned gaze with a set determination in his own that she has never seen there before. They had always been friendly and warm, but today they were dark and cold---devoid of any emotion.

Bani: ...... Aa-aap?

She manages to stutter, breaking the silence that builds between them. His hard gaze switches from her and to the child, held protectively in her arms. He slowly comes forward, his ominous footsteps echoing throughout the quiet house, till he comes to a halt in front her. She shrinks from his gallant height towering over her. His eyes carefully examine the boy, who looks back to his estranged father with quiet eyes.

"Naam...." he questions, yet sounding more of an order. She is further stunned by him. Not only has he not taken the time to either look at his child or get to know him, he does not even know his own name. Her own eyes turn hard as she replies to him tersely seconds later. "Yash...." He takes this in for a couple of seconds before extending his hand forward and placing it onto little Yash's head, who immediately turns his face away into the crook of Bani's neck.

Nishikant: Bani, beta..... Jai, er, has come to take Yash with him.....

Nishikant speaks softly, yet cautiously---not knowing how his daughter will take this news. Bani whirls her head from her father and back over to a grim Jai Walia, still keeping his eyes settled onto his non-cooperating son. She feels her world crashing around her all over again and her heart  beats fast while she tries to gather her voice in order to protest. No, he can't take Yash away from her. She won't let him. Yash needs her. She needs him!

Bani: No....

Jai looks back to his sister-in-law with question in his dark gray eyes. Her family seem to be surprised by her firm response as well as uncomfortable.

Jai: Excuse me?
Bani: (louder) No, you can't take him.

Nishikant looks back from his daughter and over to his son-in-law, fearing a showdown between the two that will erupt any second. He hastily intervenes before things get out of hand.

Nishikant: Bani.... what are you saying? Do not behave like this.... Jai is his father... He has every right.
Jai: Papa....

Nishikant turns to Jai who raises a hand, signaling to him that he will handle this. He immediately quiets down and steps back. Instead of seeming angered or offended in any way by Bani's refusal, Jai Walia seems simply intrigued.

Jai: And why can't I take my son with me?

He demands lowly while piercing his eyes into her own determined ones. She juts out her chin and fiercely replies to him.

Bani: You have been gone for six months after having dumped your son here with us.... and now suddenly you want him back?
Jai: I agree that I have neglected him, which I should not have done.... which is why I have come here after realizing my mistake. I want my son with me and my family at the earliest. He needs to be in his proper home, which is Mumbai. (states firmly)

Bani opens her mouth, ready to counter-attack him. Wanting to question him that how come after so long he has realized his responsibilities as a father? That he realizes he has a son, whom he had abandoned? That he is responsible for another life? Why hasn't he called after all this time to inquire about him? See how he is? Whether he is even alive or dead? Yash's mere existence did not matter to him before, how come it matters now? But before she has this chance, she hears another voice silence her.

"Bani...." She freezes on finally being acknowledged by her mother after so long. She turns to look at her mother, who looks back with a grim on her weary face. "Bus bhi karo... Yash hai Jai ka beta.... aur woh usse lehene aaye hai...," Kiran continues, her soft, yet strong tone demands for obedience. Bani is too speechless to react, overwhelmed by seeing her mother suddenly come out from her shell.

She watches Kiran look to Jai with a calmer look, yet the dullness on her face clearly visible.

Kiran: (proceeding in a low voice) You may take him with you, Jai.... Hume koi aitraaz nahi.... We are glad that Yash will finally be going back to his home....

She says with no emotion attached in her flat voice, yet her eyes remain tinted with overshadowing sadness. Jai nods his head curtly before meeting Bani's watering eyes that look back to him with dread. Wordlessly he takes Yash from her tight arms, breaking her embrace on him, and holds him against his chest. Yash wails in protest as Bani feels she has been snatched of any lasting happiness in her life.

Jai: .... You may come and meet him whenever you wish... You and your family.

His words do not console her. It cannot take away the unbearable pain that is surfacing inside her at that very moment. Her insides scream in protest, wanting to fight with him, wanting to keep him from taking Yash away from her, but she is unable to find her voice to do so.

Nishikant: (hesitantly) .... Beta... You have had a long journey.... Come, join us for dinner. In the meanwhile your room will be arranged...

Jai: Nahi Papa... Mujhe aab jhaana hai.... Mera flight hai do ghante mein....
Nishikant: (surprised) Paar... tum to aabhi aaye ho... You do not wish to stay?
Jai: No... Like I said, I want to take Yash back home at the earliest. His family is waiting impatiently for him.... So if you will please have Yash's things packed....
Nishikant: Yes, of course...

Nishikant replies, not daring to go against his son-in-law's wish of leaving immediately. As it is, he feels that he has lost the right to do so. He instead abides by his demands.

Nishikant: Bani, Rano.... Go pack Yash's things quickly.... Your Jiju has a plane to catch....

Rano nods her head obediently and looks over to her sister, who remains unmoved in her place, her face having grown paler by the second. She cautiously takes her hand.

Rano: Di...?

Hearing no response from her sister, Rano tugs on the cold hand and leads her from the living room. Bani keeps her eyes transfixed onto Jai Walia, who watches her leave with his wailing son in his arms.....

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She presses her cheek into the soft material of the blanket and soaks her tears into it in the silence of the night. She can smell the faint scent of Yash that still lingers and her heart aches in yearning. It has been six weeks since Jai Walia barged into their home unannounced and left with his son in tow, taking the next earliest flight back to Mumbai. He didn't even given them a chance to say proper goodbyes to the little boy who remained with them for six months under their care.... didn't give her the chance to spend her last moments with him to the fullest. She felt a void living inside of her, growing wider and wider as the days went on.

Bani rings the Walia house regularly, speaking to Yash over the phone to give herself satisfaction on hearing his voice, but it still isn't enough. It isn't enough to make up the fact that he isn't here anymore. That he will not be around to cry for her attention, to giggle and gurgle as much as he wants, to sleep right beside her at night nestled in her arms. He had become into her whole world, the only stable factor in her life to keep her going on. But now he is gone too, leaving her shaken once more. She resumed in going back to the university, having slowly stopped attending after Ananya's death and wrapping herself in taking care of Yash. She hoped that going back to her studies would take her mind off her misery, but she had been wrong.

Her life was no longer the same, no matter how hard she would try to make it normal. Her concentration in studies was not strong as it had been before and she felt even more distant from her friends ever before, never having any new exciting news to share or the bursting energy to go out to places. She is not the same girl that she had been. She does not know who she is anymore.

She realizes now that there is no going back to who she had been in the past. Things have changed too much, she has changed....

                                                     * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Jai.... Kya woh tum ho?" he hears a gentle, feminine voice question from a distance in the dim darkness of the house. He closes the front door and steps in with his white coat draped over his arms and briefcase held securely in his hand. He loosens his tie around his neck and runs his hair through his already ruffled hair.

Jai: Ji Ma...

He answers, knowing very well that it is her as she waits for him almost every single night. A light switches on and he sees his mother smiling faintly at him while nearing him. He can see the clear distress these past months have given her by the lines of worry on her once smooth, fair face that had known nothing but to smile.

Krishna: Chalo, teek hai ke tum finally aab aagaye ho... nahi to tumhara koi pata nahi.... (admonishes softly)

He glances down at his silver watch, noting that it is a quarter past one. Jai heaves a sigh before planting a mechanical kiss on her cheek, a tradition he has carried out for many years.

Jai: Kaise ho Ma?

He habitually questions, feeling obligated on having to ask his mother this every time. Her small smile turns tensed.

Krishna: Teek hoon beta...

She replies, the same answer she gives to him every night. Krishna takes his belongings and sets them aside before nudging him over to the dining table, informing him that she will serve him his dinner. He feels the need to go to his room and be left alone, hence declines.

Jai: Nahi Ma.... Aaj mujhe bhook nahi hai.... Sona chaata hoon....
Krishna: Arre, aise kaise sonsakta? Bina kuch khaaye? (worriedly) Tum ek doctor ho, you should know better....
Jai: (gives a wry smile) Jaanta hoon.... paar phir bhi.... Sirh mein dard hai....isliye sona chaata hoon.... waise, saach mein, bhook nahi hai....
Krishna: ...  Main sirh ko dabadoon?
Jai: Nahi... I will take medicines, don't worry.
Krishna: Aacha, teek hai... (ends faintly)

He feels relieved on having his mother off his back. He is grateful that she worries for him so much, but at times he wishes to be alone and not be disturbed, and this is one of those times.... Jai is about to climb up the stairs until he stills in his actions and turns back to his mother who has already started to walk away with a set frown on her face.

Jai: Ma...

Krishna turns back around quickly.

Jai: .... Yash?

She gives a knowing smile. Her son hardly interacts with her grandson due to his hectic scheduling and his awkwardness around the child, having no experience in interacting with one personally. But it is clear that he keeps tabs on him as much as he can, this much is enough to show that he cares nonetheless.

Krishna: Woh sonchuka hai....
Jai: (hesitantly) .... Kaisa hai?
Krishna: (smile disappears) ..... Teek hai.... paar tum to jaante ho.... he is still having problems in becoming familiar here... he does not eat much as well... does not complete his milk.... but he is improving from before.... not throwing fusses or fits as much.

A frown grows on his already grim face as he takes this news in. He muses on how long his son will take to settle and accept his new home and his family. He hardly goes to anyone but Krishna. However, even with her he continues with his small fits. He nods and carries on up the stairs to go to his room. He passes by one room in particular and stands by for a halting moment.

Jai opens the door to the nursery and peers into the darkness of it, settling his eyes onto the crib set up promptly in the center. He can hear the faint breathing coming from the crib after listening in for a few moments before closing the door half-way and proceeding on over to his bedroom...

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"Hello? Bani, kahan kogaye ho tum, huh?" she hears someone's high-pitched voice startle her out of dazed thoughts. Bani regains her orientation and looks around, noting that her friends are looking at her with careful eyes, having settled down from their previous ruckus that they usually display at lunch hour. She burns under their curious eyes and faces her friend meekly.

Bani: (murmurs) Kahin nahi....

"Hey, tum teek to hai, haina? These past few weeks I have seen that you are not yourself.... acting very distant.... not even speaking to us properly," her good friend, Pia continues to question worriedly. Bani avoids looking at her other friends, listening in on what she has to say. She is just about to reply until someone else beats her to it.

"Arre Pia, tum bhi na... kitni dense ho.... don't you understand? She has lost her sister... it will take time," Anamika whispers fiercely to her, wanting for her to understand. Bani shrinks in her chair at the approaching topic. It is enough that she gets stares from everyone; she had been hoping that her friends would not discuss this topic with her. She was not ready.

"But it has been more than seven months now...," Pia mildly protests back, only earning herself a hard glare from Anamika. "Kya yaar Pia, so what... like Anamika said, it will take time.... why are you not understanding?" Daksh cuts in, joining Anamika's side. "What kya yaar? Tum dono to aise behave khar rah hai jaise mere paas to koi feelings bhi nahi hai.... hello, maine bhi kissi ko koiya... meri ma, if you don't remember.... but main to aise behave nahi kiya... that too, after so many months.... people die, it is apart of life.... and it is our job to keep on moving...," Pia counter-attacks, defending herself. Others at the table nod their heads in agreement, while few remain silent. Bani sinks lower in her seat, hating that her friends are discussing about her right in front of her, as if she isn't even visible before their eyes. As if she cannot hear a single word coming from their mouths.

"Main kaethi hoon ki kya jaroort thi university ko attend karnliye agar woh aise ghoom soom behave karegi... ghar rehna... humari mood ko kyon karab karna chaati hai..." whispers Meera harshly. Tears fill Bani's eyes involuntarily. She tries to discreetly wipe them. Is it really her fault? Her fault that she is behaving this way? Her fault that she can't contain the emptiness growing inside of her day by day? Can't find a reason to laugh and smile? Is it?

"Meera, tum bhi--" Anamaika begins to say, but is cut off by Bani, whose gentle voice catches everyone's attention at the table. "Mujhe bhook nahi hai.... excuse me," she mumbles before leaving her seat and friends behind, walking away quickly---wishing she can escape the looks and whispers running about her. She grips her book tight against her chest and rests her back against a nearby tree, hiding herself from anyone's view. Silent tears roll down her cheeks which she unsuccessfully stops. Am I so horrible to be around now? Is my state so obvious? Will I ever go back to who I was before?

Minutes later she hears the familiar rush of students passing around, perhaps now leaving to attend their classes and resume back to their rigorous studying. For the first time in her life, she bunks the remainder of university and walks silently back home....

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"Kya hua, Nishikant... Krishna ji neh kya kaha?" Kiran questions faintly after seeing a tensed look form on her husband's already stressed looking face, the lines clearly visible to anyone's eyes. She normally would not ask, too self-absorbed with her own inner-being to pay attention to anything else. But ever since Jai Walia's visit, reality began to sink inside of her... hard. She was suddenly aware of everything around her.

She knew her husband remained tensed all the time, with his family slipping away from one another and the loss of his lovely daughter, whom he spoiled rotten, he could not handle it well despite his best efforts. Especially her non-cooperation has taken a great toll on him. She has failed as a wife these past months, neglecting him and her children due to her personal feeling of loss and grievance of losing a child. She failed to stand beside him in this crucial time. But she wants to be there for him now.

Nishikant glances at his wife, at first taken aback by her interest in the matter, but quickly recovers. He grimaces.

Nishikant: Yash hasn't been keeping well for some time now.... Hasn't been eating or sleeping properly... remains disturbed most of the time... Jai beta said it was simply due to adjustment problems and it would change once he felt settled and familiar to his surroundings.... and he had started to improve after couple of weeks.... but suddenly he has fallen terribly ill....
Kiran: (shocked) ... Kya? Humara Yash....bemar....
Nishikant: Yes. They admitted him in the hospital this morning... he is under observation. But Jai beta says not to wor--

The sudden slamming of books reaches their ears and both Kiran and Nishikant turn behind them to see their now oldest daughter, staring back at them with tear-filled eyes and a horrific expression quickly developing on her color drained face....

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"He is fine now. And sleeping as we speak. He is on antibiotics and still under observation. I advise we keep him here over night just in case," the doctor informs a somber appearing Jai, who leans against the wall with folded arms, his coat draped over. From behind him he hears his family members sigh from relief and whisper individual thankful prayers. "Thanks Rohit," he murmurs his gratitude for his good friend's willingness to take the case at such short notice. Rohit Mehra is a certified pediatrician as well as the best they have in the hospital.

Rohit's formal tone changes to a friendlier one as he looks on concerned at his long time friend. Though they are in two different fields, he a pediatrician and Jai a surgeon, they together attained their medical degree and remained in close touch with one another.

Rohit: Jai, you don't have to worry about your son. He is in good hands.
Jai: I know Rohit. After all, you are the best in your field.

Rohit gives a small smile while replying....

Rohit: And you in yours. ..... (continuing in a gentler tone) How are you nowadays?
Jai: .... Just fine.

He responds briefly, showing no indication that he will speak more on the matter. Rohit lets out a light sigh. For months now he has been trying to reach out to his friend during his time of need, but it seems that Dr. Walia is in no mood for anyone's help--mistaking it as simple pity. And he knew for a fact that Jai Walia hated pity of any kind.

Rohit: ... You know, Alisha and I are always willing to have you come over if you want.... it has been so long since you've paid a visit... and I've hardly seen you around anymore.... It would be nice.

For the first time since a while, Rohit sees him meet hise eyes directly and slowly cast a genuine smile in his direction, despite the weakness in it.

Jai: .... I'll think about it.

At least it is better than nothing, Rohit muses to himself. Some sign of thawing from his side finally. He, however, cannot blame the state he is in, haggard and completely lost. The once charming, handsome doctor that everyone took an instant liking to has turned into someone else completely. He now avoided any sort of contact if it wasn't absolutely necessary.

Rohit opens his mouth to speak more,  liking to see Jai conversing with him after so long and hating to see him so closed up, but is intervened from doing so when a sudden voice springs out from no where, nearly screaming with disbelief.

"Kya hua mera baacha ko, huh?" the voice demands in a trembling tone, sounding on the verge of erupting into sobs any moment. Rohit looks over his friend's shoulder and sees from the corner of his eye as Jai Walia turns around as well. Jai turns fully in the other direction, in slight bafflement, as his eyes fall on Bani, rushing towards them in quick strides. She approaches his family, staring into their faces with tears falling fast. Her family members arrive seconds later, following closely behind....

"Kya hua?!  Aap logoon ne kya kiya mera baacha ke saath? --- Kahan hai mera Yash?!  Aap saab kuch bolte kyon nahi?!" she screams at them in frustration on seeing their silent faces, seeming taken aback on seeing her and with her family here so abruptly... Quickly guilt appears on all of their faces, knowing very well that they are to blame for not taking enough care of the child. A sob escapes her as she continues to look at them with accusing eyes. Nishikant reaches and holds her back, trying to gather her attention and settle her down.

Nishikant: Bani, sambhalo aapne aap ko.... Kyon chelarahi ho? Yash observation mein hai....

Bani falls into her father's arms, barely able to hold herself up any longer, and breaks into further tears while wailing out her next words...

"Mujhe mera baacha chaaye...." Nishikant engulfs her into his arms while seeming distressed himself. He soothingly pats her back in an effort to calm her down. Her next whimpered words fall to deaf ears as a stumped Jai can only hear the ringing of her previous screams...

"Mera baacha..... Mera baacha... Mera baacha.... " 

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Chapter 4:

He watches carefully--- his eyes falling onto her oblivious state with her back faced towards him and cradling his son affectionately in her arms. She coos at him, making him smile now and then, whilst he drinks his milk greedily out of the bottle strapped in her slender fingers. His small little hands reach out to play with the gold chain resting against her bosom, tugging on it hard.

She has been here only two days and already an improvement has occurred in Yash's health. Now he drank and ate happily without any tantrums, that too, only from Bani's hands. He slept perfectly as well, not waking up in the middle of the night, crying restlessly for attention. He does not go to anyone, but Bani, yet still he has become into a rather happy child, finding that his aunt's attention and presence is enough for him.

Has he made a mistake? Has he by taking away his son from the home he became accustomed to? Where he was well settled and looked after? Should he not have come at all and let Yash stay with his grandparents and aunts? But of course he knew he could not just allow him to stay there. It was not right. That isn't where he belongs. Yes, the Dixits are his family---they are no strangers to him. But this is his proper home, where he really belongs. Here with him and his family. If Ananya had been alive, he would be here with them. Because reality is that Mumbai is his actual home, not Mount Abu.

Yet Jai Walia is unable to shake off the guilt of separating his son from the only family he knows, the one he is familiar and feels safe with. He had been alarmed at first seeing Bani at the hospital, having flown into Mumbai especially all the way from her home to see Yash. He was as well offended. What did she think? That he is incapable of taking care of his own son? That he is still neglecting him? True he hasn't been able to connect with him as of yet, but he is definitely trying. He makes sure Yash is taken great care of, hiring the best of nannies. Even his mother and Dadi give him their full attention, showering him with all of their grandmotherly love. She cannot accuse him of anything. Jai Walia may not be the father of the year, but he very well damn knows that he has responsibilities towards his son which he is trying to fulfill to the best of his capabilities.

He huffed and glowered at them--grumbling to himself, burning with anger at her and her family's presence. He is not some kind of monster, he would growl. He isn't torturing the life out of the innocent child. What do they think of him? But he simmered down in some time, noting the change in Yash's health. He was improving drastically. That too because of Bani. He was in awe with the fact. The connection between nephew and aunt blows him away. The love that he sees in her eyes towards his son is so pure and genuine--- like the love any mother shares for her child. This thought shook him to the very core. He recalls her earlier words...

"Mera bacchaa.... Mera Yash...." 

The love Bani has for Yash is much more than simple adoration from an aunt towards her nephew; it was one of a mother for her child. She stormed into the hospital like a lioness, demanding for Yash, accusing them for bringing him into a critical state, and glaring at him with her hard honey eyes. She is over-protective about him, he can see it clearly through her actions. The way she takes care of him--- she does so with guard and a want of protecting him from any harm's way. So on hearing that he was ill, she lost all sense of mind and thought the absolute worse, she grew restless and completely shaken. He sees how Yash has become into her everything. And Bani everything to his son.

Jai moves away from the half-opened room, leading into the nursery, where his sister-in-law continues to give her undivided attention to his son. He heaves a sigh and touches his temples, feeling a headache coming along. He doesn't have a clue what should be done with his son, how will he get him settled into his new home and family. As he approaches his study and steps into it's solitude, wishing to hide away from his lurking problems, Jai is instead given the surprise of seeing his mother accompanied by his dadi, sister, and brother-in-law. They all are seated on the available furniture in the room, wearing looks of deep thought on each of their faces. On hearing his entrance, they look up to him.

Jai senses the tension in the atmosphere and remains rooted to his spot, slowly closing the door to avoid any of his late wife's family from hearing what is about to occur.

Jai: Kya hua... aap saab... yahan?

They all share glances at one another, furthering his confusion as to why they are in here as they very well know the study is exclusively for him. Seeing that neither of them are going to speak, judging by the discomfort appearing on their expressions, Jai turns his attention onto his mother, who wears lines on her forehead.

Jai: Ma?....

He startles her out of her lost thinking as she glances up at him once more since the time he entered the room. She nods her head, knowing that he wants an explanation. She stands onto her feet and meets his curious eyes. Her hand lets go of her pallu, which she had been fiddling with anxiously seconds before.

Krishna: Beta... hum yahan baatke.... sochreh the.... aur saath mein ek faisla thai kiya.... bus tumhe poochna tha....
Jai: Kya baath hai? ..... Kaisa faisla?

He questions while his gaze runs across the rest of his family, all clearly avoiding his eyes. Even Aditya, his best friend and brother-in-law. Jigyasa focuses her attention onto her nails, trying to hide her own anxiety and Dadi messes with the end of her kameez. Krishna hesitates, for whatever reason--- fear or dread of his reaction.

Krishna: Beta....

She stills in her words again and licks her lips, despite them being moist already. Jai keeps his eyes onto his disorientated mother, wondering what thought is pestering her so much. Why does she not come out and say it?

Jai: Ji....

Krishna: Beta.... tum....

She takes in a breath into her before finishing her much awaited sentence. Her soft eyes peer into his.

Krishna: Tum.... tum Bani ke bhaare mein kya sochte ho?

Jai becomes blank on hearing this question, too taken aback to properly react, and stares at his worried looking mother with foreign eyes, as if he is seeing her for the first time.

Jai: Kya? .... What do you mean by that? (demands)

Realizing her fumble, Krishna quickly responds in order to get to the point, straight and forward. The sooner she gets her mind out in the open, the better.

Krishna: Mera matlab.... kya tumhe Bani pasand hai?

Thunderstruck, Jai stares at Krishna speechless, his face losing it's color. His mind is incapable of properly processing her words. Why is she asking him this? How can she ask him such a thing? She is asking him what he thinks of his sister-in-law? What he thinks of his Ananya's little sister? His gray eyes freeze onto her, hoping that he has heard her wrong. That she isn't thinking what she is thinking. And if she is, how can she? It is impossible, simply impossible.

Jai: (disbelief, stumped) Ma? How can you even think---
Krishna: (hastily) Beta, please, hear me out before you say anything else....

Sudden anger blazes inside of him, taking over his senses. He cannot believe that his own mother would suggest such a thing, even if it is indirectly. She has implied it nonetheless. It's disgusting, disgusting what she and his family members are thinking. He and Bani? That will never happen in a million years. Let alone her, he cannot even think of any other woman in his life. No one can take his Ananya's place, no one. Not even her own sister.

Jai: No! I don't want to hear it! Ma--- she is Ananya's little sister! How could you even think of the possibility of the idea?! All of you?! (turning at the rest) It is impossible! I cannot even think of being with anyone else! And you all are thinking of pairing me up with her younger sister?!

Jigyasa, Aditya, and Dadi finally meet his burning eyes that looks to them with building anger. Aditya stands up and is the first of all of them to speak.

Aditya: Jai, you are thinking of it in a rather wrong perspective.... We just want the best for you....
Jai: The best for me is for you all to leave me alone and accept the fact that I am on my own now.... Ananya is gone, I have accepted that fact.... Now it is your turn to accept that no woman can ever take her place... even Bani. ..... I... I can't even believe you all would think like this.... It's----It's disgusting.... it's---it's wrong.... Not only do I reject the very idea, but so will Bani.... How could you all?

Tears spring in Krishna's hurtful eyes as she looks to him with sorrow bottled up inside of her from these past, torturing months.

Krishna: (growing hyper) Hain, hain, it's wrong!.... Bani is Ananya's little sister, so obviously the very thought of you with her is unthinkable.... But Jai.... Is it my fault that I am thinking of your happiness? .... Of my grandson's happiness? Does that really make me a bad person?

Jai becomes taken aback by his mother's questions, finding no suitable reply to answer them. He felt trapped, helpless, unable to get him out of this unwanted situation. What can he possibly say to assure his mother that he is perfectly fine? That Yash and him will manage to survive?

Jai: Ma... I never called you a bad person.... just... what you are thinking.... it's not.....
Krishna: (finishing for him) possible..... But beta, that is what you think.... in your eyes it is not possible.... seeing yourself with another woman is not possible for you because you cannot imagine yourself with anyone but Ananya..... but beta, from where I am seeing it.... it is very much possible.... and I can see that Bani will be able to bring stability back into your life.... she will bring happiness back into this house.... I believe it....
Jai: Okay.... I will agree, that a few years down the road, marriage may not be a complete lost cause for me.... If I wanted to, I can very well get married again.... but tell me this.... Why Bani? .... Why even think it?
Krishna: Because beta.... I can see your Ananya in her.... the way she loves Yash is remarkable.... it is no different from the way your wife would have loved your son.... she has become terribly attached to him.... but most importantly, Yash has become equally attached to her as well.... he loves her just the same.... and Bani knows our Yash better than anyone else.... You saw how she came rushing here to Mumbai.... that wasn't simple love from an aunt towards her nephew.... it was love from a mother to her son.... her motherly feelings toward Yash brought her here to be with him.... She lost her mind on hearing that he was ill.... She was worried for his health... She had a typical mother anxiety in her towards her son....

Jai feels a shiver run through his body from Krishna's words. So she has noticed it as well. Perhaps it is obvious to everyone how Bani feels for Yash. That it is much more than an aunt's love.... He avoids looking into his mother's eyes.

Jigyasa: Jai.... you saw how Yash's health improved since the moment Bani came here.... Before he hardly slept or ate.... But now with her presence, he seems to feel somewhat settled in his new surroundings by recognizing an old face.... he does not know any of us.... he hardly even goes to you.... but with Bani, he may learn to open up and accept this as his new home.... He will feel at ease.... He will feel safe.
Aditya: Jai, Yash is your main priority now.... It is your responsibility that your son feels settled in his new home.... and if that means remarrying, then I strongly suggest you should.... Yash needs a mother. Every child needs a mother, otherwise they will grow up with a void in them.... and as of now, Yash finds that mother in Bani....

Jai looks to them with dread, knowing that whatever they are saying is right, but he still isn't willing to accept the idea of remarriage.... that too with Bani, his sister-in-law.

Dadi: Puttar.... agreed that you can marry whomever you want if not Bani.... but do you believe that any other woman will be able to love with the same capacity that Bani loves your son? Love them just as much as Ananya would have? That they will never treat him differently from any of your other children that you would bear with her? God forbid that Yash gets a mother that neglects him and does not give him the proper love a child needs from his mother.... But Bani is capable of giving him all that love.... She will raise him no differently than how Ananya would have....
Jai: Just because she is Ananya's sister does not mean that she is Ananya herself! And besides, she is a child herself! Only nineteen! I am a good decade older than her..... You wish to marry her to an old man? I won't take away her chance of finding her own life partner, creating her own family, living her own life.... just because of my son and I.... just because of our selfish reasons.... How can you expect so much from a child?
Krishna: Beta... We know that Bani is young.... but she is very mature for her age.... Even you had said so before whenever you came back from visits to Mount Abu.... From what I have heard from Ananya, Bani is a responsible and dependable girl.... very much different from other girls around her age.... She knows how to handle her responsibilities.... Yes, we are expecting a bit much out of her, but I know that she will not give us a chance to complain....

He wishes he can yell, make them understand him---understand the fact that he cannot marry Bani, not only because she is his late wife's sister but because she would live a miserable life with him.... She will get nothing out of her marriage to him. She won't receive the love a wife is supposed to get from her husband. He does not wish to force her into a life of compromise. But he knew his argument would fall to deaf ears. They have decided. They want Bani as his wife and their daughter-in-law. They firmly believe that she can rebuild their shattered home.

He feels a sudden touch on his arm and sees his mother look at him with pleading eyes.

Krishna: Please.... think about it.....

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He barges into his room and slams the door behind him. He tugs on his tie, loosening it around his collar, and throws it onto his bed. Spotting the mini bar to the side, he goes to it and pours himself a drink of whiskey on the rocks--- his favorite drink for some time now, the solution to drown his problems from his mind. He leans against the bar as he takes a sip, savoring the strong effect of the alcohol.

Bani and him? No.... she is his wife's sister.... not to mention still a child. She deserves to live her own life, find a partner around her own age and out of her own choice, and create her own family. He does not want to deprive her of that right.

But much to his dismay, he cannot help but concede that his mother makes some valid points. If anyone is fit to be Yash's mother than it is Bani and only Bani. She will give his son the love a mother should give to her child. She loves him no less than how Ananya would have loved him. That much he is ready to admit. But.... will she be able to accept this proposal? Marry her dead sister's husband? Become her husband's wife and her son's mother?

He touches his temple again and groans. Just when he thought he already had enough problems, one more had to arise.....

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For the next two days Jai Walia immersed himself into his work and avoided mostly everyone in his family, especially Bani, who was still staying with them in the Mansion with her family till Yash becomes absolutely fit. He cannot seem to look at her the same without having the faintest thought in the back of his mind telling him that she could be made into his new wife. He lied to his mother that he would think on her proposal, still firmly against the idea of marrying Bani, but he could not stop himself from dwelling on the thought and how it would affect his and his son's life. The more he thought on it and the more his anger cooled off, the more his mother's words seem to make sense. It is simply the fact that he refuses to let any woman take his dead wife's place that keeps him from admitting that having Bani as his wife is the best for Yash.

On his way over to his room, coming back from work, Jai Walia passes his son's nursery which is left wide open oddly at this hour of time. Caving into his query, he peeps into the room and catches Bani holding Yash in her arms and giggling about something unknown to him. She rubs her nose against Yash's only to have it captured by his small hand, causing the both of them to laugh together. He had never seen his son laugh in that way and stares transfixed at the picture the two make together. Anyone who saw them together would believe they are mother and son. There is no doubt in that. Even he could easily be fooled.

"You are my good baccha, haina?" he hears Bani question warmly and kissing him soundly on his head. Yash gurgles as his reply.

"Mera baccha.... Mera Yash..." 

Jai Walia runs his fingers through his jet black hair while his insides seem to be ready to burst any second. He turns on his heels and proceeds down the top floor of the dark house, thoughts whirling in his head.

Opening the creaking door, he looks in and finsd his mother reading a book on her favorite rocking chair, her spectacles resting on the bridge of her nose. He clears his throat and sees how she glances up at him. Taken aback on seeing him, she places the book down onto her lap and stares at him wordlessly, waiting for him to speak....

"..... You may speak to her parents tomorrow morning...." he conveys to her before promptly leaving the room without another backward glance. Krishna sits in the silence of her room, stunned, for some moments before finally a smile reaches her lips after so long....

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Bani had been folding the blankets in Yash's crib when she heard a soft knock on the door behind her. She absentmindedly answers, allowing whoever it is to come in. Her thoughts jumbled up on the thought that she will have to return soon. Her time with Yash is now very limited. She could feel her heart break into tiny pieces just by the mere thought.

"Bani...." She turns around on being acknowledged and is surprised on seeing both her parents standing at the door. She lets go of the covers and walks towards them in confusion.

Bani: Ma... Papa? Aap dono.... Kya baath hai?

She questions cautiously, finding it odd that they have come to the nursery to speak to her and noting the hesitant looks on both of their faces. Her father clears his throat while closing the door behind them.

Nishikant: Your mother and I have something to discuss with you..... sit.

Bani does as she's told without another word. She sits down on the available chair nearby and gazes up at her parents. She catches how her mother gives her a small smile. These past few days she has begun to behave rather normally, learning to converse with others again, but still she remains silent at times as Ananya's death refuses to stop tormenting her.

Bani: What is it Papa? ..... You two are worrying me.....
Nishikant: Nahi, aisa kuch nahi hai.... You do not need to be worried..... We.... Well we just have something to ask you.....
Bani: Ji?

Nishikant looks over to his wife, wordlessly seeking for her help. Kiran understands her husband's helplessness and steps in to continue for him.

Kiran: Beta.... baath yeh hai ke..... well.... Krishna ji and Ma ji (Dadi) both have come to your father and I with a proposal.....
Bani: (confused) Kaunsa proposal?
Kiran: Bani..... they are asking your hand in marriage....

She feels as if someone has punched her in the gut and has knocked out all the air inside her as she stares at her parents breathlessly. Her face loses color.

Bani: (stammers) How.... How can they possibly ask for it? And how dare they? It hasn't even been a full year since Ananya Didi has passed away and they want a marriage to take place?! How could they think such a thing?
Nishikant: (soothingly) Beta.... aisa nahi hai.... of course they wouldn't suggest such an idea unless it was direly needed.....
Bani: Kyon? Why is it so important for me to get married into this house? That too, with whom? Who are they asking my hand for?

Both Nishikant and Kiran share a glance before her mother walks to her and lowers down next to her. She gently places her hand onto her head, affectionately stroking her hair.....

Kiran: Beta.... the proposal is from Jai beta..... He wants to marry you.....

Bani looks at her mother with wide eyes as this news blows her by. She becomes paralyzed, unable to move an inch, and feels a shiver run down her spine. She grows speechless...... He.... He wants to marry her?

Nishikant: (carrying on) .... Beta, it is a good proposal.... accept it dear... It will be the best for everyone... Your mother and I believe so too....
Bani: (whispers in disbelief) ..... Jiju?
Kiran: (tears rising in her eyes) Hain beta.... Your Jiju.... Krishna ji is very hopeful that you will bring happiness back into his life... that you will take great care of him and Yash.... that you will help him eventually forget Ananya and move on in his life....

Tears spring up in her own eyes as she looks to her mother helplessly.

Bani: (choking) Paar Ma--- main kaise... jiju ke saath... shaadi?
Nishikant: Hain beta... hum bhi aise sochreh the.... ke tum Jai beta se kaise shaadi karsaakti.... lekin Krishna ji ne hume samjaaye.... ke yeh hi saab ke liye bala hai....
Bani: Lekin Jiju----
Kiran: Sunno to beta.... hain maante hai ke woh tumhara Jiju hai... humari Ananya ka pati.... lekin beta.... aab Ananya iss duniya mein nahi hai.... woh aapna pati aur beta ko chordke chali gayi.... aab Jai aur Yash ke paas koi nahi hai.... tum samajrahi hoon na?
Nishikant: And you will gain from this marriage as well Bani.... you will stay with Yash for the rest of your life... He will become into your responsibility, your son..... No one is going to separate you from him....

Yes, if she marries Jai Walia, she will stay here with Yash, become into his mother and be able to be with him for the rest of his life raising him. She won't have to live miles away from him. She won't have to come and see him only on holidays. She will be right by his side here with him. They won't be separated. This brings peace to her previously troubled heart which ached from the thought of being away from Yash again. But still....

Bani: .... Why cannot I just stay here with them? Finish my university over here? Why do I have to marry him?
Kiran: Beta... what will people think? Ek jawan ladki laadkon ke beech rehte hai.... Nahi.... absolutely not.... We do not want to ruin our reputation in that way..... And especially with your Ananya didi gone, it will not be right....
Nishikant: .... Bani.... think wisely about this dear..... think about Yash....

Bani blinks back tears on the thought of Yash. The boy who has become into her whole world. The boy whom she loves with all her heart. The boy she is willing to do anything for..... Yes, she must think of Yash.

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Jai rushed home early for a change on receiving a call from his mother, urging him to return home immediately. She offered no explanations for her rash behavior, leaving him confused as to what has happened. He got someone to cover his shift and left for his home, hoping that nothing troubling has occurred. He doesn't know how he will be able to take it if there is.

He arrived at the door, knocking on it, only to be welcomed with his mother's face, who looks to him with excited eyes. She grabs him by the arm and leads him to the living room, where the rest of his family and the Dixits--minus Bani--are seated comfortably around one another, all of them looking oddly glad about something. His eyes finally fall onto their family pundit ji, who is seated in the sofa chair, among everyone else.....

Krishna: Sit down beta.... We are discussing your wedding plans... Pundit ji has picked out two dates... The first this Friday and the second three months later.... But we have decided that we will have the wedding this very week....

Jai remains rooted to his spot, astounded by his mother's enthusiastic words. He loses himself in everyone's rushed plannings, speaking in enthralled voices, finally having a reason to be hopeful about.... to be happy about. After all, the son of the house will be marrying....

He didn't know for how long he remained standing there, in a state of shock, wondering if all of this is really happening. He had been hoping that she'd say no, that she'd refuse like he had, that she'd make protest and save both of them from this unwanted situation.... but she has agreed?

With his head pounding hard, Jai breaks out of his temporary paralysis and slowly retreats out of the living room, making sure that his dismissal isn't noticed. His running legs carry him up the stairs and down the long hall, headed for a particular room. He barges in unannounced, startling her in the process, causing her to whirl around and stare at the intruder. It appears that she has come out from a shower, her wet hair laying on her shoulders in loose curls, tendrils falling into her face.... She stares at him wide-eyed, not expecting his arrival in her room.

He walks up to her and grips onto her arms, pulling her close to him, making her frightened eyes stare up at him with question. Jai gazes at her fair face with seeking eyes....

Jai: You said yes?

He asks out of disbelief, not believing that she would do so. He sees how realization strikes her and a softness growing in her pools of honey brown. She nods her head, affirming the fact. His grip on her tightens and he draws her closer.

Jai: (demands) Why?

She does not flinch from the roughness of his touch, but merely looks at him in a calm manner, as if she were expecting him to react in this way.

Bani: (finding her voice) You had brought the proposal..... Now that I have agreed, why are you questioning it?
Jai: Because I was sure you were going to refuse..... I didn't think you would have gone ahead and say yes.....
Bani: Nor did I think you would have brought such a proposal....

Her words silence him for a moment, taking him off guard. Yes, he is to blame for the situation that they are in by even agreeing to his mother's whims in the first place, but he was hoping that she at least would refuse.

Jai: .... Why?

He questions again, but much softer.... much calmer. Bani keeps her eyes locked with his as she answers him promptly....

Bani: Kyon ki main Yash se alag nahi hona chaati hoon....

So she too kept Yash in mind when agreeing to marry him. She is willing to put herself into a compromise with him. She is willing to give up her dreams and wishes to be a mother for his son. She has decided and he can clearly see that she isn't going to back out.

He slowly releases her arms but the proximity between them remains..... He stares into her face as if seeing her in a different light. She averts her gaze as a silence creeps between them.....

Jai: You are willing to marry your dead sister's husband?

His words cut through the strong silence hanging over them. Her eyes rise back up, meeting his in a full-fledged lock.

Bani: You are willing to marry your dead wife's sister?

Again the silence overtakes them as they stare at one another, not removing their gaze off each other for a second. He has noticed another similarity between them among the many others.... and that is..... she can very well be as stubborn and determined as him. Without another exchange of words, he walks out from her room---their conversation continuing to reel in his head.....

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Chapter 5 A:


Bani stares down at her henna adorned hands with a strange mix of emotions. She didn't know how to feel at the moment--- upset or angry at the way the events of her life have turned. Is this really happening? Is she really married? That too, to her sister's husband? Despite the wedding festivities and the atmosphere, the realization hadn't sunk into her, not even when she had taken the seven rounds with her husband, tying her to him for seven lifetimes. She herself was refusing to believe that all of this was happening. Perhaps this is all a dream. Yes, a horrible nightmare. She will wake up from this awful dream and find that none of this is reality. She isn't married to her Jiju, about to become separated from her family, or that her Ananya Di is dead. Everything will go back to the way it was. Her sister will be ranting to her about how it feels to be a mother, complaining how Jiju is always busy in his work, and beaming while informing how much her in-laws dot on her.

She feels a tear trickle down her cheek. Of course this is her wishful thinking going way out of control. None of that is possible--- the old days are gone, never to return. Which is why they are referred to as the "old" days. They are meant to be in the past.

After the confrontation from her future husband, he avoided her by all means--- not even giving a single glance her way. She reciprocated the behavior gladly. At least she can avoid the awkwardness that is bound to exist between them. But would they continue to ignore each other even after their marriage? This thought troubled her to no ends. If not his cooperation, the least she wants from him is understanding in their soon to be new relationship, a compromise. She knows that in name she is his wife, but in reality, she will never be able to take Ananya's place in his life. And she would in no way breech it.

She gazes at the beautifully decorated four poster bed surrounding her, observing the care and perfection put into it. All around her happiness surrounded her--teasing her endlessly. Everyone, friends and families, were partaking in a happiness that in fact was not there to begin with. She knew the truth, the truth that this marriage was a pretense when in fact it was just a compromise. A compromise between two people to give a secure and warm environment to a child who deserved the love and affection from both a mother and father, to be provided a stable childhood with nothing amiss.

Krishna had paid no heed to her or her now husband's request of having a simple court marriage, finding no need in making a show of their new relationship. Their words only fell to deaf ears. A sudden excitement surged inside of her mother-in-law with the thought of a wedding in mind. Her face shined radiantly as a smile was permanently etched onto her lips. Without a doubt this marriage meant a lot to her. It gave her a last hope of setting things right again. To bring stability back into everyone's lives. She immediately indulged herself in wedding plans, talking animatedly all the time about the preparations and how everything had to go perfectly. To Bani's immense relief, she had kept in mind of the circumstances and held a secluded wedding ceremony in which only close friends and family were invited. Though she hadn't been spared by her mother-in-law's demands of holding a ladies sangeet and mehendi rasam.

Bani went through the ceremonies like a statue; barely aware of her surroundings and speaking only when spoken to--conversing in little words. She was gravely silent most of the time, but her insides screamed the agony that was presiding within her. God only knew how much she didn't want this wedding to occur, but thoughts of Yash kept her silent. The truth is that he needs a mother figure in his life and she can't turn her back on him.

Hearing giggling erupt just outside the bedroom door draws her out of any further penetrating thoughts causing her to become conscious of the setting around her. Here she is, a newly wedded bride, sitting awkwardly on a strange bed scattered with rose petals on its white cotton sheets, waiting for her husband to arrive..... She shudders on the thought.

Who knows what will happen once he comes into this room. She knows that he won't touch pursue anything or bring discomfort to her, but the uneasiness inside of her refuses to abate. After all, she doesn't know what to expect from him. She had thought she knew him well, but these past few months he has become into someone else entirely. Gone was the charismatic and friendly man she knew with those warm eyes only to replaced by a cold and aloof stranger with a dark aura to him. He is not the Jai Walia she once knew and adored. That Jai has disappeared somewhere under that cold surface he uses to protect himself....

And what has she done? She has allowed herself to be married to a man who has become into a complete stranger to her. How will she live with this man? How will she be able to spend the rest of her life with him? But most importantly, will she be able to?

Bani gathers her knees close together, hugging them to her chest, and rests her chin onto her crossed arms as her mind drifts back to old memories....

She had first met him nearly four years ago. It was during the winter time in which the cold and white glistening snow consumed her small town, making it seem far more beautiful than ever before.... Winter had always been her favorite time of the year for this very reason. Ananya Di, like she always had, made plans to visit home during the holidays. She remembered anxiously waiting for her arrival, having missed her sister dearly over the past year since she moved to Mumbai in search of better work. She even helped her mother in preparing her older sister's favorite dishes and tidying up her old bedroom. It was this particular visit, though, that was far different from the many others.... That is, because she had brought with her a friend.... a male friend to be exact.

Despite living in a rather conservative area, her parents were not so conservative the least.... In fact they were quite modern and open-minded to some aspects. Which is why they did not become wary or alarmed of seeing their daughter bringing a man with her in the name of friendship.... but they surely were curious.

Bani was in awe with the handsome stranger--- somewhere between 6'1" and 6'2" with striking features that gave credit to his incredible looks. His head was full with thick, raven hair that he had a habit of combing his fingers through time to time. His enticing bronze skin was complimented nicely with the dark colors he donned on that particular day. It was his eyes though that really stuck out and captured her instant attention..... A beautiful stormy gray with such depth to it that one could lose them self in them forever..... they held such warmth and tenderness to them that she didn't fail to notice.

Her parents welcomed him warmly on hearing that Ananya had invited him to stay with them for a few days while she was here. They had no complaints and their later inhibitions vanished as they became rather fond of the charming young man, whom they knew instantly their oldest daughter was besotted by judging by the loving looks the two shared.

Bani took an instant liking to him. He was very polite and carefree--- a person who spoke his mind without any hesitance. His personality was such that it drew her to him. Bani was well known for being an overly enthusiastic girl and highly bubbly, just like her sister, and connected well with just about anyone. But how well she connected with Jai during those days of his visit threw her off as well as everyone else.

She had been in the kitchen at the time of Ananya and Jai's arrival, who were chatting with her welcoming parents in the family room. Her sister Rano, quite opposite from herself and their elder sister, was an extremely shy and reserved young girl. She didn't do well with strangers and it took some time for her to open up. She was only herself around family and close friends, other than that, she remained silent--- barely uttering a single sound. Bani was trying to coax her to come out and greet the stranger who tagged along with their sister, but Rano was not budging. Bani finally grew tired and let her be. She went off to the living room, with snacks in hand, to introduce herself.....

He was sweet, full of life, and a man with high opinions she soon learned. It didn't take long for a conversation to strike between them as their natures were quite alike. Both charismatic, jovial, mischievous, argumentative, energetic, humorous, imaginative, and yet logical. Bani had finally found someone quite compatible to herself and she was loving it. And to further her liking towards her new friend, he seemed to follow her elder sister's way in winning her over....

He presented her with two bars of dairy milk chocolate that caused her eyes to grow wide. She immediately snatched it out of his hands as he laughed heartily at her childishness. He had after all figured out her weakness. Dairy milk chocolate had always been her favorite treat since she was very young and a craving that she hadn't seem to lose till present.

"If this is your intention of bribing me to get on my good side, then it is working ..... " she informed him only to receive a smug look by him of officially winning her over. "Sadly both aren't for you. One is for your sister Rano as well. Please do give her one before you go on and howl both of them down," he replied with a wide grin. But his words fell to deaf ears as she tore off the wrapper of one of them and happily munched on the chocolate with content.

The rest of the days there Bani had a lot of fun spending time with her sister and Jai, doing just about everything that one could do in town, and got to know Jai a lot better in the process. He was intelligent, open-minded, and quite arrogant at times in where he stood. He was also skeptical in some matters, the existence of God and such, but other than that he was similar to Bani who found it very easily to bond with him. She soon learned too that they shared the same taste in genres of literature, music, and movies. Poetry was what struck the closeness in their new found friendship. Bani always had a passion for poetry since she was young and was often found as an odd ball amongst her friends and family for it merely because they did not share the passion. Jai, on the other hand, was very aware of the literary work as he narrated how his mother often would recite poems to him when he was little and soon enough he grew a fondness for it as it reminded him of his childhood.

Needless to say they got along just fine which proved to be an additional benefit for Ananya when on the last day of their stay, she and Jai together revealed their plan in getting married and were seeking her parents' approval. Nishikant and Kiran were overjoyed with the proposal, finding Jai highly worthy of their eldest daughter, and held no complaints or worries. The proposal hadn't come as a surprise to Bani who was well aware of the intimate touches and glances her sister and Jai shared since the day they had arrived. She was immensely happy for her sister for finding someone whom she believed would keep her happy and for choosing Jai as that life partner.

"So I guess you do not have to bribe me anymore. Your rishta with Di is practically fixed already," she told him near the time of his departure. He grinned boyishly at her while ruffling her hair and opened his jacket to reveal another milk chocolate bar hanging in it's inside pocket. Bani's eyes twinkled on the sight. He laughed at her and handed it over. "I don't think so. I think I will need to keep bribing you till my marriage and even afterward considering how your opinion is so valuable to your sister. But this is between you and me," he finished with a wink. Bani gave him a salute while taking it from him.

"You know, if you keep eating chocolates like this, you will become overweight," he commented after seeing her greedily gobble down the chocolate. She gave him a coy look. "At least I will be a happy fat girl," she answered him to receive his chuckling laughter. "You Miss Dixit just happen to be my favorite sali ji... ""Hmmm, we'll see about that. As long as you keep paying your commission, you might just have me as your sali." 

Soon after Ananya's marriage had been fixed to Jai and the Dixits and Walias couldn't be happier enough. It had become tradition, even after the marriage, during every visit to Mount Abu that Jai would have a diary milk chocolate bar ready in hand to be devoured by his favorite sister-in-law. That is up until that incident.....

The turning of the doorknob finally shakes Bani out of her unconscious thoughts and to reality. She blinks dumbly around and focuses her gaze onto the door. Fear grips her inside as she sees it opening, swinging wide open to reveal the very man of her thoughts.... She sucks in her breath and grips onto her hands tight while fidgeting in her place. She is swarmed with a wave of anxiety, becoming aware of herself.... and him.

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Jai throws the sehra in his hands onto the couch near the door and strides into his room, grumbling from the past events. If being married again wasn't enough, his family had to torture him with their never ending teasing and pulling of his leg. He was in awe of them. How could they behave in such a manner? Didn't they know that he wasn't willingly getting married again? That this was happening against his wish? That he was compelled to take the step that he had? That this marriage is only for namesake and that it is after all only a compromise? Yet they seemed to be drunk off a happiness that didn't exist. He failed to see what they were so happy about. Or was it all for show? Whatever the reason, he didn't appreciate it a bit. It hasn't been even a full year since his Ananya's death and they......

He was purely disgusted. Is everyone forgetting the real reason behind this fiasco of a marriage? Does he have to remind everyone? But it seems they all have lost it--- the festivity of a wedding having gotten to their heads.... the madness of it all. His scowl furthers on remembering his friends words and their supposed "wise" suggestions that they believed might come in handy for his suhaag raat. They were consumed in alcohol and refusing to leave him alone. Jai didn't know how he was able to control himself without giving into the urge of beating someone silly.

"But then again.... Jai isn't an inexperienced man..... He knows well what to do.... Right, Jai?" one of them commented while throwing him a sleazy wink and thumping him on the back. Jai glared at him hard before pushing off his hand and strutting in the direction of his bedroom, even though he was dreading in going there from the moment the wedding ceremony had been over. But he knew it was the only sane place left in this mad house. And as it is, he might as well stop avoiding Bani any further since she will not be going anywhere for a long time....

He approached his bedroom door only to be greeted by the sight of a clutter of girls whispering and giggling among one another. On his arrival, they regained their lost attention and welcomed him with wide smiles. Anu, his niece, the leader of the gang and his sister-in-law Rano standing in the far back, seeming lost and uncomfortable being there. He avoided looking in her quiet eyes and glowered at a giggling Anu, who was taking the wedding to her fancy.... as was everyone else.

"Mamaji.... agar aap aapne kamre mein jaana chaate hai... to please aap aapni wallet ko kaali karke hume saab paiso dedo.... " she teased with a grand smile. "What childishness is this, Anu?" he had retorted, feeling more and more irritated by the second. She giggled with the rest of the girls. "No childishness Mamu.... yeh saab chalta hai.... agar aap meri sweet si pyaari si mami ke paas jaana chaate ho to phir yeh karna parega hai.... Cannot enter without a fee," she finished off with another giggle. The other girls agreed while an agitated Jai took out his wallet and shoved the money in her face while demanding, "Hatoh..." They happily moved out of the way while passing around the cash. Rano, unsure of herself, followed behind them after giving him a blank look. Jai simply ignored her and carried on in.....

He stands stumped in the middle of his room as his eyes gather the state of what used to be his room. The aroma of burning candles fill the dim room with the only source of light peeping through the open curtains from the radiant full moon. Garlands were decorated with perfection around his four poster bed with dark red rose petals scattered about on his white sheets.... That is when his eyes finally land on the figure sitting on his bed.... clad in a dark red bridal gown and heavy gold jewelry.... her gunghat covering her face from him.... only showing her red lips which tremble as she takes shaky breaths into her....

A surge of awkwardness hits him as the reality of their situation sinks in. They are married..... officially husband and wife in the eyes of law and society.... Gone was their old relation replaced with a far more deeper one.... She wasn't his saali anymore, but his wife.... Would he ever be able to come to terms with that? Will he ever be able to look at Bani as his wife and not as the young girl he once dotted on as his Ananya's sister? This marriage already means nothing to him.... but now here in his room he realizes that they will be spending the rest of their lives together.... that they have now become into life partners.... each other's companions.... Will he be able to go through this? Can he be her husband and she his wife?

His wondering eyes drink in the sight of her as a newly bride.... her heavy shimmering veil placed upon her head.... her black beaded mangulsutra resting on her chest..... her wrists adorned with deep red bangles.... her hands decorated with dark designs of henna.... and her ankles strapped with golden anklets.... He felt an odd sensation go through him on seeing her like this.... She wasn't just plain Bani anymore.... the sister-in-law whom he so adored.... no, she is now Bani his wife..... Bani Walia.

He cringes inwardly on the thought. He felt as if he was going to be sick to his stomach. Could this really be happening? Him married to her? All these years he had only viewed her as his wife's younger sister.... She was family... as well as a dear friend despite their age difference... But now.....what happens now?

The twinkling sound of her bangles bring him back as he catches her silently brush her cheek, most likely wiping away the unshed tears from their wedding ceremony. Her honey eyes had been moist when he filled her parting with sindoor.... staring at him in a way that he had never seen before and brought him discomfort.... He quickly removed his gaze after bringing her gunghat down...

If the circumstances were different, if it had been like they used to be, he certainly would have comforted her.... But he couldn't.... Things have changed too drastically.... He has changed.... and she too has certainly changed.....

He refrains from letting out a frustrated growl at the way life has turned on him, bringing him to this very state. For taking away the happiness he once had.... for taking away the life he loved..... for snatching away everything from him. He pours himself a drink from the bar and watches from the corner of his eye as Bani lowers her head onto her knees, not uttering a single sound except for the occasional soft sniffles during each gap.... but he knew well what she was experiencing at the moment.... he too was going through it.

He nurses his drink while seating himself down onto his favorite chair, easing himself in the comfort of it, and releasing a heavy sigh.... All while facing his open windows, staring at the starry skin and shining moon.....

"..... Go to sleep Bani.....and get some rest. .....  It's getting late...." he states quietly whilst sipping on his beverage, not glancing her way once. After long moments of a stilling silence, he hears shuffling and the combined tinkling noises of her jewelry as she shifts her position on the bed.

Bani turns her back onto him as she stiffly lays down on the bed, still in her bridal wear, and attempts to fall asleep despite the uneasiness engulfing her....

It must have been some time in the wee hours of the morning that she finally caved into drowsiness and slowly closed her eyes to allow sleep take her briefly away from everything...

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Jai could not bring himself to fall asleep.... not when he was in the situation he was in.... not when another problem has entered his life.... not when his new wife was in a deep slumber on his bed...and in his room. He takes the last sip of his fourth drink and sets the glass aside before resting his head back and closing his blood shot eyes. What a mess, he thinks to himself.

Hearing the familiar tinkling of his new wife's jewelry causes his attention to switch onto her sleeping form as she rolls onto the other side of the bed, dragging the rose petals along with her.... her long skirt raised up slightly revealing her creamy legs.... veil pushed to the side, now showing the indecent sight of her low cut choli and view of her midriff.... He tears his eyes off of her abruptly, not allowing them to linger on her any longer....

He gazes up at the ceiling of his room, slowly losing himself to dazed thoughts.....to old times....to old memories....

He still remembered the first time he met her as if it were just yesterday. It was two weeks after he proposed to Ananya after a lavish dinner and she agreed but informed him that he would have to ask her hand from her parents in person. He had made sure to complete all his work before taking the few days off that he would spend with Ananya and her family in Mount Abu. On the flight there she talked endlessly about her family members, giving him a bio of each and every one. From her talks he felt as if he already knew them and he was particularly interested in meeting Bani, whom his fiancee at the time informed him that they would get along very well. She proved to be right.

Bani was quite young at the time, somewhere in the middle of fifteen and sixteen, but she was booming with life and full of zest. She was similar to her older sister, but was different to her at the same time. They shared the same bundle of energy and spirit but Bani held herself in distinguishing sense. She carried herself with such confidence and coolness that made him admire her for who she was. And he had begun to realize that she was similar to him in some aspects and shared quite a lot in common with him, which made it easier to form a friendship with her. She was head-strong and not afraid of voicing her opinions. She could be very well determined and ambitious but knew when the time was to relax and go with the flow of life. She was a funny character and he took an instant liking to her, finding that he indeed would get along with her well.

He found her the most naughtiest but at the same time the most endearing in Ananya's family. There had been no hesitation from her side and she welcomed him warmly as if he was no stranger. Rano had been a very reserved girl, it took him a long while to get her to open up to him, but with Bani he had clicked with on the spot. And how could he not? Her personality was such.....

They often would team up in committing mischief such as teasing Ananya mercilessly till she would pull her hair out from frustration. She was his partner in crime, he often would tell her. And he would reward her generously each time with her favorite dairy milk chocolate.

But that was a long time ago.... a different time..... a different life. That old Jai was long gone.... and that old Bani as well. Who knew that one such incident could change everything for them? And bring them to where they are now?

He switches his head to his other side only to have his gaze fall on the picture frame resting on the dresser top across him. He stares into his late wife's laughing face with a grim expression.... his insides aching from torment....He did not know for how long he gazed at her picture till the effect of alcohol ruled over and drowned him into an unconsciousness.....

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Chapter 5 B:


She wakes up to the incessant chirping of birds coming from outside and the sunlight peeping through the open curtains, irritating her eyes. Her eyelids slowly flutter open and she sluggishly rises from her laid-down position. Her jewelry makes noise as she shuffles on the bed, rubbing her drowsy eyes tiredly in the process. She stifles a yawn with her hand before stretching out her aching arms. That is when her grogginess is replaced with rapt attention to her new surroundings. A gasp escapes her mouth as her eyes fall onto the decorations surrounding her, confining her into an enclosed space, noting the hanging garlands, crushed rose petals beneath her, and the blown out candles which had been left burning into the dark night.

Her gaze travels to the lone chair across the room in which her husband had chosen to sleep in last night, away from her. Shivers run down her spine as the events of the wedding briefly sweep through her mind. She finds no one there and is relieved of not having to face such an awkward situation so early in the morning. Yet her eyes continue to roam around the room for any trace of him. She catches the sight of the disheveled dresser with his things scattered about, the open windows (which had been closed last night) allowing the cool breeze to enter the room, and the ajar bathroom door giving view to the barren bathroom....

Picking up the skirt of her gown, Bani places her feet onto the cold marble floor and shudders from the cool contact. Her arms wrap around her as she realizes she is quite cold, already developing goose bumps on her fair arms. Her long shimmering veil trails after her as she walks across the white floor towards the unoccupied bathroom, wanting to remove herself from the burdening weight of wearing her wedding dress and jewelry.

She detaches the veil from herself and relieves herself from the suffocating dress that teased her eyes. She folds it neatly and places it to the side before setting to the task of removing the heavy gold ornaments adoring her body. After lifting away the last of the jewelry her attention involuntarily switches to the black threaded necklace resting on her bosom and the smeared vermilion filled in her parting. Her hand reaches out to the foreign red smudge lingering in her maang and feels a strange sensation occur within her.

The person reflected in the mirror before her is not the girl she once knew. No, what she sees is a young woman.... a married woman.... Long gone is Bani Dixit only to be replaced with Bani Walia... somebody's wife..... somebody's daughter-in-law.... now someone's mother.

Bani lowers her eyes as if pained by the taunting reflection, making her face something she is not ready for.... the truth.... reality. She steps into the shower cubicle and seeks solace from the warm water soaking her now naked body. She lathers herself with soap and scrubs hard as if wanting to cleanse herself from a sin.... a sin of marrying her sister's husband.

She cautiously opened the bathroom door only to find that the room is still very much unoccupied. Without any further hesitance, Bani walks out from the steamy bathroom wrapped snugly in a white towel and reaches for her suitcase placed in the far corner of the room. She searches through it in deep thought, wondering what would be appropriate to wear for the day...

After donning on her petticoat and blouse, Bani sets to the task of wrapping the long yard of yellow glittering fabric around her slim body. She begins in measuring her pleats and tucking them into her skirt when suddenly a faint memory crosses her absent mind making her freeze midway of dressing herself....

"Diii, mujhe yeh yucky saree nahi pehni.... aap mere saath zabardasthi kyon khar rahe hai?" Bani whines as her sister turns her around while tucking in the pleats of her saree. Ananya, who looks ravishing herself in a flattering baby blue saree, gives her younger sister an admonishing look.

"Bani, stay still na.... If you keep moving like this how am I supposed to get you ready on time?" her sister grumbles while setting once more to the task in front of her. Bani scowls at this and crosses her arms against her blouse. "I don't want to wear any stupid sari.... My friends will laugh at me.... I look like some aunty.... " As Ananya finishes with her pleats, she drapes rest of the dress onto Bani's shoulder and admires her through the mirror with an appreciative smile. "Oh Bani, stop it. You do not look like an aunty... In fact your friends will be jealous.... My baby sister looks absolutely gorgeous. Saris are meant for you...." her sister compliments while Bani remains looking glum. Ananya takes Bani by her shoulders and turns her back around directing her towards herself. She takes the kohl from her eye and applies it affectionately behind Bani's ear. Taking her sister's chin into her hold, pushing her down cast face upward, she gently smiles at her.... "Kissi ki nazaar nah lagjaaye meri gudiya si behen par..." Bani manages a soft smile in return.... 

Blinking dumbly at herself before the mirror, Bani gazes down at the pleats in her hand as if it is the most foreign thing she has come across. Taking a deep breath, she again sets back to the task and settles the thin material over her shoulder. Her eyes sweep across the container of sindoor on the dresser and hesitantly reaches out for it. Her fingers gather a pinch of vermilion and slowly fill her bare maang. She stares emotionless at herself for a moment before regathering herself and leaving the bedroom....

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"Bani, tum aagaye beti?" Krishna Walia greets her as she descends down the staircase and approaches the main hall. Bani musters a small smile in her way before bending down and receiving her blessings, which Krishna happily gives. She takes her daughter-in-law's face into her hands and kisses her gingerly on her forehead.

Krishna: Hamesha khush raho, bahu....

Bani gives her a blank look from her words.... the word "bahu" having a haunting effect on her already scrambled mind. Before she has time to dwell on this new change of relationship, Krishna leads her to the dining room where most of the family members are already situated. She looks at them with an uneasy feeling growing inside of her.... She would now be living with these people for the rest of her life.... the very people in which her sister found a family.

Krishna: Chalo... beto. Naashta thyaar hai...

Bani smiles weakly at her before turning her attention back onto the grand table. She feels somewhat at place on seeing her parents and sister seated down as well. Seeing an available seat beside her sister, she makes way to join her, but is prevented from taking a step further by Krishna herself.

Krishna: Arre bahu, kahan jhari ho? Tumhari jagah to yahan hai.... Jai ki khursi ke saath....

She informs while pointing out the empty seat beside the head chair of the table, Jai Walia's place. Hesitance creeps onto Bani's reluctant face as her eyes fall onto the chair that Krishna presents to her. It is Ananya's chair.... A wave of emotions overcome her from the thought and Bani has to try hard to blink away her rapidly building tears. She softly shakes her head before softly replying....

Bani: Jjii... ji Aunty, main Rano ke paas----

Bani catches a look of disapproval cross Krishna's face and wonders whether she has offended her. She licks her dry lips and seems helpless with the situation. However, she is relieved when Dadi comes to her rescue, cutting off Krishna who had opened her mouth to speak more.

Dadi: Arre Krishna, chod na... Let her sit where she wishes. Chalo Bani, batho.... khanna kaho...

Bani manages to give Dadi a feeble smile before hastily joining her sister's side at the dining table, seating herself in between her and Anu. A silence fills the dining hall as everyone solely pays attention in filling their stomachs, but Bani was feeling out of place and lost in this strange environment. She picked at her food, not having much of an appetitie to eat the meal before her. There was small talk here and there, but mostly there was the company of overbearing silence. Bani is grateful with the absence of Jai. She surely would have felt sick to the stomach and been a nervous wreck with him around. He must have left for the hospital early morning when everyone was still asleep.

Again Bani looks to the members of the family present and feels a rush of unease grow within her. She knew these people, but at the same time they seemed to have become into strangers to her. Perhaps with the change of her relation with each and every one of them. Before she had been the sister of this house's daughter-in-law... but now she is that daughter-in-law.

Aditya Uncle, who always showered her older sister with affection, also dotted on Bani during her visits to her sister's in-laws. Jigyasa Aunty was very much the same as her husband. She often would hen-peck her and make her feel comfortable with her warm hospitality. Dadi was a funny character with something always witty to say. She'd rant on and on about her favorite ollywood movies even if no one in particular would listen. Krishna Aunty did not treat Bani or Rano any less than the way she treated Ananya with motherly love. Anu, who is around Rano's age, was a sweet thing and almost felt like another sister. The two sons of Aditya and Jigyasa, Saahil and Ranveer, were mischievous and flirtatious, never missing an opportunity to pull Bani or Rano's leg. They were nice and warm-hearted people who made Bani feel like one of their own. But now the circumstances have changed. Things are not like how they used to be..... How is she going to fit into this family as it's bahu? Will she be able to? Can she fill in her sister's shoes? And what if she doesn't want to? These thoughts tackle her mind for the rest of Breakfast until her father's quite voice interrupts in the presiding silence surrounding them....

Nishikant: Krishna ji.... Aab hum chalte hai.... Aap hume itane din ke liye aapke ghar mein rakhwaaye... uske liye shukriya....

Bani's insides freeze from her father's words and she stares at him with still eyes.

Krishna: Arre Nishikant ji, itana jhald baazi? Taariye to saahi... aap to aabhi aaye hai Mount Abu se.... humare saath raahiye kuch aur dino ke liye....
Kiran: Nahi Krishna ji.... aab hum chalna chaaye... Nishikant aab kaam peh wapas jhaana hai... aur Rano ko university abhi bhaaki hai...

Kiran speaks softly for the first time since breakfast had started. Bani looks to her parents with watering eyes, feeling an unbearable loss hit her with the thought of her parents leaving, that too, so soon. She isn't ready..... She isn't ready to leave them yet. She isn't ready for the physical and emotional distance from her family.

Krishna: ..... Teek hai... agar aap chaate ho to aap jhaasakte... paar aap saab phir se zaroor aaye ga... hume aur khaas karke Bani ko aacha laage ga....
Nishikant: Ji zaroor. ... Chalo Kiran.... Rano....

Everyone begins to give their customary farewells as her parents and sister rise from their chairs, ready to gather their belongings and leave. Bani remains rooted to her spot, speechless, until she hears a voice beckon for her attention....

Krishna: Bahu..... bahu..... bahu?

Bani is rattled out of her lost trance with Anu shaking her and turns her eyes onto a curious looking Krishna. She manages to find her voice, squeaky, but there.

Bani: J-ji?
Krishna: Tum aarhi ho, haina?

Krishna asks slowly, noting the apprehensive looks forming on her daughter-in-law's stricken face. Bani dumbly nods after a moment, her throat turning sore from keeping her sobs down. Her mother-in-law gives a slow, affectionate smile.

Krishna: To phir chalo....

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Bani remains paralyzed by the front entrance of the Mansion, where the Walias bid last polite farewells to her family and share small chatter in between. Krishna apologizes for Jai's absence to which Nishikant and Kiran understand fully. Rano stands beside her side loyally, understanding her older sister's predicament and continues to give her a comforting squeeze on her cold hand. Finally her parents turn their attention onto her and Bani lowers her glistening eyes. She feels her mother's hands reach for her face and caress her cheeks, causing the need for Bani to cry to grow immensely. This is the first time her mother is showing any kind of affection towards her since Ananya's death. Kiran pulls her into her warm embrace and Bani finally releases hot tears from her stinging eyes. She feels her mother's kisses in her hair and her father's hand rubbing her back.

"Make us proud, Bani.... Give your parents a reason to be happy. Give this family and marriage your all. But most importantly give peace to your sister's soul by taking care of her family. You are now the reason for me to live my life with satisfaction and no regrets... Make me proud," her mother whispers into her ear. The tears fall fast as Bani chokes up with emotion and nods quickly, agreeing to her mother's only wish. She smothers her face into her mother's shoulder, enjoying the comfort of her mother's arms after so long. Kiran gives her a last lingering kiss before releasing her, allowing Nishikant to hug his daughter one last time. His silence conveys his pain of letting go his other daughter.

Bani tries to conceal her tears, embarrassed with the unwanted attention from the Walias, who stand from a distance as silent spectators in sympathy of her bidhai... Finally she meets Rano's own watering eyes and instantly grabs her baby sister into her arms, suffocating her into her tight embrace. Rano's arms go around her as her own tears fall fast.

"I'm going to miss you the most, Rano" Bani musters the shaky whisper while holding her sister tight, tears continuing to leak from her brimming eyes. "Not as much as I am going to miss you, Di.... I know that we haven't said much to each other lately.... but I want you to know that I am always there for you. You're my sister and I love you," Rano whispers emotionally back. Bani nods her head, too overwhelmed at the moment to say anything more. Before breaking away, Rano's speaks her last words. "I know from the bottom of my heart that you will be happy here, Di.... This is Ananya Di's family after all. They'll love you as much as they loved her.... and Jiju is always going to be by your side. I have full faith in him and so should you...."

Bani watched with a gloomy expression as her family's car vanished eventually from her sight, creating a hollowness to build inside of her. Feeling a gentle touch on her shoulder, she turns around only to face a sympathetic Krishna who stretches out her arms to her. It didn't take long for Bani to run into the woman's embrace and break down into quiet sobs....

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He fiddles with his silver wedding band in an absent manner in the silence of his office. The beating of the raindrops falling against the window panes and rumbling thunder are all but just a faint echo to his ears. He swivels his chair back and forth while twisting the ring around and round his finger. His fingers suddenly still as images of his recent wedding cross his thoughts, escaping from the farthest dwellings of his mind....which he had pushed there in the first place since entering the hospital. The chanting mantras....the burning fire.... the seven pheres.... the showering flower petals.... the blood red sindoor....

Jai's jaw tightens and a muscle twitches in the long column of his neck. His hand rolls into a strong fist. He shuts his eyes painfully as Bani's tearful face appears before him. He lets out a low groan....

How could this have happened? .... How could he let this all happen? He shouldn't have caved to his mother. Shouldn't have let her words brainwash him. Yash would have been just fine, eventually. Sure the absence of a mother in his life would have haunted him, but he would have turned out alright in the end. He has a family who showers him with infinite amounts of love. He wouldn't have felt any lacking as far as love is concerned. So then why did he agree to the marriage?

Feeling the drawer beside him shake drags him out of his trance. Jai pulls out the drawer and finds his cell vibrating within it. For the sixth time this day he sees "Home" flashing across the screen. He ignores it, knowing very well it is his mother who is calling him and at the moment he doesn't wish to speak with anyone a part of his family.... nor does he want to think of home.

"Walia, you coming?" a sudden voice calls out for his attention. Jai looks up at the man at his door, dressed in scrubs before him, and giving him a questioning glance.  He nods his head in agreement, grateful for this distraction, before replying....

Jai: Yeah, coming Mahesh. One moment....

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Bani remained to herself for the rest of the day, worrying her new family in the process. She did not partake in the conversations they struck with her nor broke out of her revive. She only stuck to Yash's side and no one else's. They concluded that it is the change of environment that is affecting her and that she is perhaps missing her family. She would eventually come around.

After giving Yash his bath and dressing him up for the night, she settled him into the covers with her on the bed when Krishna walked by the open bedroom, peeping curiously into it. Seeing her grandson in her son's room takes her by surprise and she walks in unannounced, startling Bani.

Krishna: Arre, Yash yahan kya khar raha? Woh to aapna nursery mein sota hai... to phir...?
Bani: (stammers) J-ji... woh.... I am used to having Yash sleep with me.... isliye.... and I will be right here with him by chance if he needs anything in the night....
Krishna: But---

Krishna begins to protest, wanting to voice her thoughts that she and Jai are newly wed and will want privacy, but concludes that that particular stage in their relationship will take some time. Unwillingly she nods her head, knowing that Bani will feel more at place with Yash with her and she wants Bani to feel comfortable with them as soon as possible. She smiles softly at Bani before kissing Yash and wishing her daughter-in-law a goodnight. After leaving her son and daughter-in-law's bedroom, she heaves a sigh and checks the grandfather clock in the hall, wondering when Jai will come home.....

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Jai arrived back past two in the morning and was surprised to find his awaiting mother up so late at night. He kissed her cheek before allowing her to take his briefcase and coat, setting them aside. He was, though, expecting the scolding he received moments later.....

Krishna: Jai, yeh koi waqt hai ghar aane ka?
Jai: Ma, I was stuck in surgery....

He gives his weak defense while walking to the kitchen and reaching into the fridge for a bottle of juice. Krishna follows promptly after him, still containing a scowl on her face.

Krishna: Mujhe kuch nahi sunna....You have just gotten married and already you fled to the hospital the very next morning. This is not right, beta. You should have been at home.... with your wife. To make her feel settled with us. That is your duty as a husband. You have a family, Jai. And that family comes before your work. You do not even know how I felt apologizing to Nishikant ji and Kiran ji for your absence. I was embarrassed that my own son was not even there to wish them off or at least stay at home the day after his marriage.

Jai closes the fridge door and faces his mother, a dark look building on his handsome face. His restrained voice answers his mother's demanding words....

Jai: What do you wish for me to do? Behave as a dotting husband and good son-in-law? I am neither of those Ma nor do I wish to be....

He ends with a growl before storming out of the kitchen, leaving his mother in a bemused manner, trying to comprehend what her son has just said. Coming out of her brief shock with Jai's statement, she quickly goes after him, reaching him at the stairs....

Krishna: Jai, you-you are married now.... You have a wife and you must complete your responsibilities toward her....

Jai halts in his steps on hearing his mother's desperate voice call out for him and clutches his head as he feels a migraine coming. He turns around to meet her pleading eyes, wanting him to understand her. But at the moment he doesn't wish to understand, he wants someone to understand him... understand what he wants... what he's going through.

Jai: That's just the thing Ma..... I never wanted to get remarried to begin with.....

He breezily states with a low tone. Thunderstruck, Krishna stares at her son for a long moment from sheer disbelief before stammering her next words...

Krishna: ... J-Jai... do you mean to say that.... That you won't give this marriage a chance?

Avoiding Krishna's pained gaze, Jai Walia silently proceeds on up the stairs abandoning a bewildered woman behind, pondering over whether she had made the right decision after all.....

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He slips into his dim room without making a sound and throws off his tie onto the chair nearby. His eyes briefly fall onto his bed, where his oblivious new bride slumbers peacefully under the heavy covers. He removes his gaze but then quickly returns it once he notices another figure nestled beside her. Drawing nearer, he approaches the bed and lowers down onto his knees as his still gray eyes sweep across Yash's peaceful face.....

For the first time since Yash's birth eight months ago, Jai Walia takes careful attention to the appearance of his son and is amazed by what he sees. He is the replica of his dead mother with the exception of his dark hair, taken after him. The long eyelashes.... the tiny ears.... the pointed nose.... those lean, thin lips... the jutted chin all strike a familiarity to him. He is his mother's son.... his Ananya's son.... a part of her is inside of this small child right before him.

Unconsciously his hand moves forward, reaching out to the boy's snoozing form... His large palm rests against Yash's soft cheek and an unfathomable feeling arrests him. This boy is his son. His own flesh and blood. His and his dead wife's.... He is the single living memory of his love for his first wife.

The fidgeting from his son startles him out of his revelation and he quickly removes his hand, watching with quiet eyes as Yash switches sides, turning his face into his aunt's side and settling back down into a restful sleep. His observing eyes travel back up to Bani's serene face and he holds his breath at the sight both aunt and nephew make, giving an answer to his muddled thoughts that haunted him throughout the day.

There is only one good out of his marriage to his sister-in-law.... and that is providing his son the mother he direly needs.

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